I love you...

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date; Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, And often is his gold complexion dimm'd; And every fair from fair sometime declines, By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd: But thy eternal summer shall not fade Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st; Nor shall Death brag thou wand'rest in his shade, When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st; So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So lives this, and this gives life to thee. ~W. Shakespeare

My belief about the marriage and the Bible

Since I've become engaged, I've been thinking a lot about marriage and my future role as a wife. Growing up in a Jehovah Witness household, I was taught that in a marriage, a woman was accountable to her husband and her husband was accountable to God.

What's so interesting about these thoughts, is that I thought they were antiquated and sexist. But is it really? I mean, are we suppose to play certain roles in our marriages and relationships in order for them to work? And when those ingredients are not in place, is it then that we allow "sin" into our marriages? And when those marriages fall apart (for whatever reasons), and we're back to being single, do we ever look back and think that those old sexist thoughts weren't so wrong after all?

With the extremely high number of divorces and malcontent in our relationships, maybe there's something to it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some religious conservative, but I do believe that the bible hold some truths that deserves a second look.

I ran across this article on FB, which talks about the Impact of Sin on marriage:

God intended marriage to be a place where two people were exposed before Him and each... other. Not just physically exposed, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, too. His plan was for marriage to be a place for complete sharing and intimacy.

But a lack of purity—sin—can prevent a marriage from being what God has planned for it. Sin is what caused Adam and Eve to become "unnaked" (to coin a word).

When the two of them ate the fruit, their relationship changed immediately. They lost their innocence. Their comfortable, total nakedness gave way to shame and fear. Their first step was to cover themselves with fig leaves
In the beginning, their most sensitive areas could be exposed without fear. (Genitals are the most sensitive area of the body.) But sin keeps us from exposing the sensitive, delicate areas of our lives.

It is clear that sin is the greatest obstacle to openness between a husband and wife. ~ Jimmy Evans

Most of my friends who were married, are now divorced or in the process of getting divorce. And what is interesting, is that most of them decided to let other influences destroy the intimacy of their marriages.

Now, I'm not judging my friends (considering that I've never been marriage), but the constant reasons that I get from my them are: lack of communication, infidelity, feelings of wanting to make oneself happy, infidelity, feeling stifled, infidelity, simple immaturity, oh and infidelity.

It's a pretty grim message that I'm getting from my friends. In fact, I had one friend (whose in the process of getting divorced) tell me, "to make sure that I'm marrying my best friend....because the night before she got married, she was sure she wasn't marrying her best friend." Wow! Really?

I didn't have a response to this simply because I have no doubt that Joe is my best friend. I also feel lucky because I believe that we are walking in the same direction. Now I'm not naive or just blindly in love, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you that our marriage is going to be a cake walk. We're going to have some very difficult obstacles to overcome.

I only pray that we will not allow "sin" to ruin the intimacy of our marriage and if it does (because we are human), then we find a way to save our marriage so that we can continue to walk in the same direction as husband and wife with God's blessing.

Forgiveness

I haven't blogged in a while because the last blog totally drained me. It was the first time that I expressed those kinds of feelings in years.

But now that I've put those feelings out in the universe, I cannot and will not take them back. But I do believe in Karma, which means that I have to reflect, meditate and deal with my feelings or I'm destined to ruminate on this subject without end. I need to work on learning how to forgive.

Here's a quote in Eastern philosophy that explains my ultimate goal in forgivness:

The forgiving acquire honours here, and a state of blessedness hereafter. Those men that ever conquer their wrath by forgiveness, obtain the higher regions. Therefore has it been said that forgiveness is the highest virtue. ~ The Mahbharata

Without forgiveness, I know that I will always hand over my power and my control to the one that has wronged me.
 
So I guess I'm on a deeply personal journey on learning to forgive. I could just try to forget about it, but I don't think that I would learn anything and I would only suppress it until it would stop my personal growth or make me physical ill.
 
I could pray about it and hand it over to God. I've done this with many difficult situations in my life and my personal faith has always provided me with a sense of comfort and success. However, this time, along with my faith, I think I'm going to look towards those who have sought and found forgiveness in their lives.
 
According to Robert Enright, author of the book Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope, "[t]here is a  basic model of forgiveness, [which] has four phases: first, uncovering your anger; second, deciding to forgive; third, working on forgiveness; and fourth, discovery and release from emotional prison."  Interesting.

 

Also, according to an essay The Gift of Fogiveness written by Ronda Bresnick Hauss, a licensed clinical social worker, she refers to Enright to demonstrate, "...that not forgiving, and holding on to bitterness, resentment and anger are the four walls of a prison cell. Forgiveness, he argues, is the key that opens the door of the cell."  Now that's food for thought!

 

Anger!!

I haven't blogged in a while because I didn't know what to say about some of my feelings. About a month ago, I experienced anger on a level that I haven't had in many years. It was upsetting to know that I haven't dealt with this situation, which caused this buried rage to bubble up and spew out in the universe.




It's so damn easy to let anger take control!!

 

Last month, Brendan got in touch with his father (who he hasn't seen in over a year). They decided to go camping. At first, I was very happy for Brendan. I mean, his life is really moving fast with school, sports, friends, etc... His father at least needed to see how well his son was doing.  But when it was time to drop off Brendan at our designated place, I became sick to the stomach and I didn't even want to see his face. I tried to hide my feelings from Brendan and we talked about other things while I was driving. As we pulled up, I just wanted to puke. "My God! I really hate this man!!" All I could do was tell Brendan have nice weekend and leave as quickly as I could. I couldn't get away fast enough.

Then over that weekend and immediately after Brendan came home, I kept having dreams where I'm screaming and yelling at him. I'm screaming at him for not paying child support and for not being a father to his son. It was like some deep seeded rage that was erupting in my dreams. I truly hated him and wanted nothing to do with him ever. How do you hide these kinds of feelings from your child, from yourself or from anyone?

But I realized that I was also angry with myself. I thought that I worked through these awful feelings. I thought that I had accepted that fact that this incredibly immature, alcoholic, emotionally and mentally ill man was incapable of being a father and that it was best that he was not an influence in Brendan's life. I thought I accepted that fact that he decided not to pay child support and that I would be responsible for Brendan's needs. But I was very wrong and the anger is immense and subconsciously all consuming. I spoke with Sharon and she said that I was being too hard on myself. She said that I have the right to be angry and that I was given the raw deal. But I told her that I walk around talking about forgiveness and compassion. I talk about not looking back in anger and moving forward in order to let go. Yet, here I am dealing with the white, hot rage!

However, Sharon is right. I am human and I'm being way too hard on myself. I have the right to be angry. I mean this man only sees his son once or twice a year. He misses out on Brendan's games, scouting achievements and school events and he misses out on the little things in Brendan's life. He tells everyone that I do not let him see Brendan, which is not true. I have never told him that he cannot see his child.  He does not pay child support (not one damn dime in all three years), which means that Joe and I have been solely paying for Brendan's needs. Finally, I have always been respectful and nice to him. We have never had an argument or fought. I have always tried to be the bigger person for the sake of our son. And how do I get treated? With total disrespect and immature hostility. So yeah, I'm angry!

I know that in a few years, Brendan will be 18 yrs old and this situation will have past. I will move on and it will be up to Brendan to deal with his old man. But for now, I will have to dig deep in order to learn to forgive him. I will have to dig real deep to look at this man with compassion instead of hate and loathing. I know for a fact, that my anger is not his problem and it's not Brendan's. It's my problem and my problem alone. In fact, unless Brendan reads this blog, he'll never know. But I do know that if I do not work on these feelings, it will stop me from moving forward and it will be energy wasted.

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”  -Sara Paddison

Walking among the clouds

When I was flying home, I was lucky enough to have the window seat. Usually I don't care whether or not I have the window seat. But this time, I was in a row all by myself and something told me to scoot over towards the window.

It was a lovely Sunday evening and I was flying from Charlotte to Cleveland and I was anxious to get home.Typically when I fly, I always send out a quick prayer for a safe flight and for God to look over my family. But this time, I think God granted me an impromptu blessing.

I was blessed with the opportunity of imagining myself walking among the clouds. As I looked out of the window, the sun was slowly setting and the clouds looked like huge white cotton balls rolling around in the air like tumbleweeds. Some were white and fluffy like cotton candy, while others were soft, feathery and stretch across the sky.

My God, I wish I could step out and feel the them. It was like I was being teased by their beauty, but only to remain untouched. It was awesome to watch these clouds float above the ground.

At times, I can see the ground below and I began to realize our small significance in this expansive universe. And then I began to imagine myself as a giant and walking on the ground with my large body and grand feet. 

As the evening sun was lingering in the sky, giving up its last chance of daylight, I was able to see the shadow of our plane moving among the clouds high above the ground. Finally towards the end of my flight, this time I found myself thanking God for this lovely view and the rare opportunity to fly among the clouds.

An ode to Savannah...

So I'm in beautiful Savannah, Ga...it's very hot and sultry in this small charming city. I don't know why I love Savannah. But it's beautiful and rustic....it's old and seductive. As my mom and I are walking along Bay Street,I was amazed by the charm and simple irony of the new and the old. There are modern day cars and trucks whizzing by old buildings and landscapes that have been around since beginning of our country. We were surrounded by wonderful Spanish Moss that were sprawled across the trees like century old lovers.

We walked into an antique shop on Bay St. and we were greeted with a sincere and inviting, "Hi y'all..." It was warm and thick with a southern brogue. As we walk around the antique store, I could smell the ocean air and I tried to imagine the ghosts of yesterday among the antiques and the stories behind the vintage treasures. As we are leaving the shop, we hear "Have a nice day, y'all!" Thanks to the southern sentimentality, you learn your manners quickly, "Thanks, you too." I said sincerely.

I love Savannah. I don't know why. But I do love this city. Perhaps it's the mixed of the old and new. Perhaps it's the charm of Bay and River Streets. Or perhaps, it's the endless historical squares and lush green parks like Forsythe Park that reminds me of a time long ago. In the end, there is one thing I do know...that one day, thanks to my love for Savannah, I hope that this will be the beautiful enchanting city where I will marry my best friend.

Girl Power!!

"...a little kindness can go a long way."~Caitlan Boyle, Operation Beautiful

I was getting dressed this morning and the Today Show was on TV. I usually just it have the Today Show for the background noise. But this time they had a story that actually caught my attention. There was this story about a young lady who wanted to put out a powerful message to all the young girls and women everywhere.

She believed that there were too many negative body images for girls. And because of these messages, a lot of girls and women were suffering from their own negative body images. So she decided to be proactive and put out positive messages in public areas for women and girls to read. For example, she'd write positive messages on sticky notes and places them on mirrors in public restrooms. The notes would say, "You are beautiful!"

How cool is that?

She also blogs about this important message and has a website called Operation Beautiful. And this random act of kindness has taken off and now others participate and leave inspirational messages all over the place for women and girls to read.

When she was asked by the reporter why did she create this website/blog. She responded, "Because a little kindness can go a long way." How simple and sweet and yet, her message is extremely powerful. Here's to girl power!
www.operationbeautiful.com