Anger!!

I haven't blogged in a while because I didn't know what to say about some of my feelings. About a month ago, I experienced anger on a level that I haven't had in many years. It was upsetting to know that I haven't dealt with this situation, which caused this buried rage to bubble up and spew out in the universe.




It's so damn easy to let anger take control!!

 

Last month, Brendan got in touch with his father (who he hasn't seen in over a year). They decided to go camping. At first, I was very happy for Brendan. I mean, his life is really moving fast with school, sports, friends, etc... His father at least needed to see how well his son was doing.  But when it was time to drop off Brendan at our designated place, I became sick to the stomach and I didn't even want to see his face. I tried to hide my feelings from Brendan and we talked about other things while I was driving. As we pulled up, I just wanted to puke. "My God! I really hate this man!!" All I could do was tell Brendan have nice weekend and leave as quickly as I could. I couldn't get away fast enough.

Then over that weekend and immediately after Brendan came home, I kept having dreams where I'm screaming and yelling at him. I'm screaming at him for not paying child support and for not being a father to his son. It was like some deep seeded rage that was erupting in my dreams. I truly hated him and wanted nothing to do with him ever. How do you hide these kinds of feelings from your child, from yourself or from anyone?

But I realized that I was also angry with myself. I thought that I worked through these awful feelings. I thought that I had accepted that fact that this incredibly immature, alcoholic, emotionally and mentally ill man was incapable of being a father and that it was best that he was not an influence in Brendan's life. I thought I accepted that fact that he decided not to pay child support and that I would be responsible for Brendan's needs. But I was very wrong and the anger is immense and subconsciously all consuming. I spoke with Sharon and she said that I was being too hard on myself. She said that I have the right to be angry and that I was given the raw deal. But I told her that I walk around talking about forgiveness and compassion. I talk about not looking back in anger and moving forward in order to let go. Yet, here I am dealing with the white, hot rage!

However, Sharon is right. I am human and I'm being way too hard on myself. I have the right to be angry. I mean this man only sees his son once or twice a year. He misses out on Brendan's games, scouting achievements and school events and he misses out on the little things in Brendan's life. He tells everyone that I do not let him see Brendan, which is not true. I have never told him that he cannot see his child.  He does not pay child support (not one damn dime in all three years), which means that Joe and I have been solely paying for Brendan's needs. Finally, I have always been respectful and nice to him. We have never had an argument or fought. I have always tried to be the bigger person for the sake of our son. And how do I get treated? With total disrespect and immature hostility. So yeah, I'm angry!

I know that in a few years, Brendan will be 18 yrs old and this situation will have past. I will move on and it will be up to Brendan to deal with his old man. But for now, I will have to dig deep in order to learn to forgive him. I will have to dig real deep to look at this man with compassion instead of hate and loathing. I know for a fact, that my anger is not his problem and it's not Brendan's. It's my problem and my problem alone. In fact, unless Brendan reads this blog, he'll never know. But I do know that if I do not work on these feelings, it will stop me from moving forward and it will be energy wasted.

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”  -Sara Paddison

Walking among the clouds

When I was flying home, I was lucky enough to have the window seat. Usually I don't care whether or not I have the window seat. But this time, I was in a row all by myself and something told me to scoot over towards the window.

It was a lovely Sunday evening and I was flying from Charlotte to Cleveland and I was anxious to get home.Typically when I fly, I always send out a quick prayer for a safe flight and for God to look over my family. But this time, I think God granted me an impromptu blessing.

I was blessed with the opportunity of imagining myself walking among the clouds. As I looked out of the window, the sun was slowly setting and the clouds looked like huge white cotton balls rolling around in the air like tumbleweeds. Some were white and fluffy like cotton candy, while others were soft, feathery and stretch across the sky.

My God, I wish I could step out and feel the them. It was like I was being teased by their beauty, but only to remain untouched. It was awesome to watch these clouds float above the ground.

At times, I can see the ground below and I began to realize our small significance in this expansive universe. And then I began to imagine myself as a giant and walking on the ground with my large body and grand feet. 

As the evening sun was lingering in the sky, giving up its last chance of daylight, I was able to see the shadow of our plane moving among the clouds high above the ground. Finally towards the end of my flight, this time I found myself thanking God for this lovely view and the rare opportunity to fly among the clouds.

An ode to Savannah...

So I'm in beautiful Savannah, Ga...it's very hot and sultry in this small charming city. I don't know why I love Savannah. But it's beautiful and rustic....it's old and seductive. As my mom and I are walking along Bay Street,I was amazed by the charm and simple irony of the new and the old. There are modern day cars and trucks whizzing by old buildings and landscapes that have been around since beginning of our country. We were surrounded by wonderful Spanish Moss that were sprawled across the trees like century old lovers.

We walked into an antique shop on Bay St. and we were greeted with a sincere and inviting, "Hi y'all..." It was warm and thick with a southern brogue. As we walk around the antique store, I could smell the ocean air and I tried to imagine the ghosts of yesterday among the antiques and the stories behind the vintage treasures. As we are leaving the shop, we hear "Have a nice day, y'all!" Thanks to the southern sentimentality, you learn your manners quickly, "Thanks, you too." I said sincerely.

I love Savannah. I don't know why. But I do love this city. Perhaps it's the mixed of the old and new. Perhaps it's the charm of Bay and River Streets. Or perhaps, it's the endless historical squares and lush green parks like Forsythe Park that reminds me of a time long ago. In the end, there is one thing I do know...that one day, thanks to my love for Savannah, I hope that this will be the beautiful enchanting city where I will marry my best friend.

Girl Power!!

"...a little kindness can go a long way."~Caitlan Boyle, Operation Beautiful

I was getting dressed this morning and the Today Show was on TV. I usually just it have the Today Show for the background noise. But this time they had a story that actually caught my attention. There was this story about a young lady who wanted to put out a powerful message to all the young girls and women everywhere.

She believed that there were too many negative body images for girls. And because of these messages, a lot of girls and women were suffering from their own negative body images. So she decided to be proactive and put out positive messages in public areas for women and girls to read. For example, she'd write positive messages on sticky notes and places them on mirrors in public restrooms. The notes would say, "You are beautiful!"

How cool is that?

She also blogs about this important message and has a website called Operation Beautiful. And this random act of kindness has taken off and now others participate and leave inspirational messages all over the place for women and girls to read.

When she was asked by the reporter why did she create this website/blog. She responded, "Because a little kindness can go a long way." How simple and sweet and yet, her message is extremely powerful. Here's to girl power!
www.operationbeautiful.com

Not looking back with regret...

‎"Removing thoughts of shame from your mind involves a willingness to let go, to see your past behaviors as lessons you had to learn, and to reconnect to your Source through prayer and meditation."~Dr. Wayne Dyer

I really like this quote. Letting go is extremely difficult....but I found out that through prayer and meditation (when I used to meditate), it is possible to reconnect so that you can move on and move forward. 

We often punish ourselves severely for our past behaviors, but I've learned not to look back with regret. As I've gotten older, I began to understand there are always lessons to be learned, and with those lessons comes self awareness and perhaps that reconnection with God or our Source. Thanks Dr. Wayne Dyer!

THOR Movie New Trailer - Official 2011 - Main Character Selection Castin...

For those who don't me that well....here's a little (weird) secret about me...

I have a really weird taste in guys (sorry Joe)....I've always liked my blonds, especially those who are big, tall and a bit rough around the edges. I don't know why...but it's always been that way.

So Joe and I was watching something on TV about Comic-Con  2010, which is a basically a nerd convention for those into sci-fi and comic books. Anyway, they interviewed this Aussie hottie who is playing in the upcoming Thor movie. My God! What is in the water in Australia?! Needless to say my mouth was on the flippin floor. I was impressed by his looks and Joe couldn't believe the size of this arms. 

Then I decided to look up the trailer for the movie online and couldn't find it. Well, I didn't put too much effort into finding it. But what I did find was what the cast consideration for the movie. I was surprised to find out that their considerations were most of the guys that I really like! Although they chose this new hottie from Australia....I would not have mind looking at Triple H or Brad Pitt playing the Norse god!

Oh, and Joe has a reason to go see the movie with me...his girl Natalie Portman is in the movie too!

To aunt Cathy, I know you might shake your head at this blog! Hahaha!

I had to think about this one for a minute...

Just be ordinary and nothing special. Eat your food, move your bowels, pass water, and when you're tired, go and lie down. The ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand.

~Bruce Lee

I've always known that Bruce Lee was somewhat a philosopher. I watched a documentary about his life a long time ago. In this documentary, it was easy to appreciate that many of this philosophical beliefs and teachings were from years of Eastern study in both the physical and the spiritual. For me, it was obvious that he was seeking enlightenment during his short life. He may even obtained it. Unfortunately, we'll never know. 

For some reason, I really like this quote. I haven't quite figured it out yet. I have always believed that you shouldn't be ordinary...that you have to be different and stand out...However, this quote is definately food for thought!