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| It's so damn easy to let anger take control!! |
Last month, Brendan got in touch with his father (who he hasn't seen in over a year). They decided to go camping. At first, I was very happy for Brendan. I mean, his life is really moving fast with school, sports, friends, etc... His father at least needed to see how well his son was doing. But when it was time to drop off Brendan at our designated place, I became sick to the stomach and I didn't even want to see his face. I tried to hide my feelings from Brendan and we talked about other things while I was driving. As we pulled up, I just wanted to puke. "My God! I really hate this man!!" All I could do was tell Brendan have nice weekend and leave as quickly as I could. I couldn't get away fast enough.
Then over that weekend and immediately after Brendan came home, I kept having dreams where I'm screaming and yelling at him. I'm screaming at him for not paying child support and for not being a father to his son. It was like some deep seeded rage that was erupting in my dreams. I truly hated him and wanted nothing to do with him ever. How do you hide these kinds of feelings from your child, from yourself or from anyone?
But I realized that I was also angry with myself. I thought that I worked through these awful feelings. I thought that I had accepted that fact that this incredibly immature, alcoholic, emotionally and mentally ill man was incapable of being a father and that it was best that he was not an influence in Brendan's life. I thought I accepted that fact that he decided not to pay child support and that I would be responsible for Brendan's needs. But I was very wrong and the anger is immense and subconsciously all consuming. I spoke with Sharon and she said that I was being too hard on myself. She said that I have the right to be angry and that I was given the raw deal. But I told her that I walk around talking about forgiveness and compassion. I talk about not looking back in anger and moving forward in order to let go. Yet, here I am dealing with the white, hot rage!
However, Sharon is right. I am human and I'm being way too hard on myself. I have the right to be angry. I mean this man only sees his son once or twice a year. He misses out on Brendan's games, scouting achievements and school events and he misses out on the little things in Brendan's life. He tells everyone that I do not let him see Brendan, which is not true. I have never told him that he cannot see his child. He does not pay child support (not one damn dime in all three years), which means that Joe and I have been solely paying for Brendan's needs. Finally, I have always been respectful and nice to him. We have never had an argument or fought. I have always tried to be the bigger person for the sake of our son. And how do I get treated? With total disrespect and immature hostility. So yeah, I'm angry!
I know that in a few years, Brendan will be 18 yrs old and this situation will have past. I will move on and it will be up to Brendan to deal with his old man. But for now, I will have to dig deep in order to learn to forgive him. I will have to dig real deep to look at this man with compassion instead of hate and loathing. I know for a fact, that my anger is not his problem and it's not Brendan's. It's my problem and my problem alone. In fact, unless Brendan reads this blog, he'll never know. But I do know that if I do not work on these feelings, it will stop me from moving forward and it will be energy wasted.
“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” -Sara Paddison
