Forgiveness

I haven't blogged in a while because the last blog totally drained me. It was the first time that I expressed those kinds of feelings in years.

But now that I've put those feelings out in the universe, I cannot and will not take them back. But I do believe in Karma, which means that I have to reflect, meditate and deal with my feelings or I'm destined to ruminate on this subject without end. I need to work on learning how to forgive.

Here's a quote in Eastern philosophy that explains my ultimate goal in forgivness:

The forgiving acquire honours here, and a state of blessedness hereafter. Those men that ever conquer their wrath by forgiveness, obtain the higher regions. Therefore has it been said that forgiveness is the highest virtue. ~ The Mahbharata

Without forgiveness, I know that I will always hand over my power and my control to the one that has wronged me.
 
So I guess I'm on a deeply personal journey on learning to forgive. I could just try to forget about it, but I don't think that I would learn anything and I would only suppress it until it would stop my personal growth or make me physical ill.
 
I could pray about it and hand it over to God. I've done this with many difficult situations in my life and my personal faith has always provided me with a sense of comfort and success. However, this time, along with my faith, I think I'm going to look towards those who have sought and found forgiveness in their lives.
 
According to Robert Enright, author of the book Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope, "[t]here is a  basic model of forgiveness, [which] has four phases: first, uncovering your anger; second, deciding to forgive; third, working on forgiveness; and fourth, discovery and release from emotional prison."  Interesting.

 

Also, according to an essay The Gift of Fogiveness written by Ronda Bresnick Hauss, a licensed clinical social worker, she refers to Enright to demonstrate, "...that not forgiving, and holding on to bitterness, resentment and anger are the four walls of a prison cell. Forgiveness, he argues, is the key that opens the door of the cell."  Now that's food for thought!

 

Anger!!

I haven't blogged in a while because I didn't know what to say about some of my feelings. About a month ago, I experienced anger on a level that I haven't had in many years. It was upsetting to know that I haven't dealt with this situation, which caused this buried rage to bubble up and spew out in the universe.




It's so damn easy to let anger take control!!

 

Last month, Brendan got in touch with his father (who he hasn't seen in over a year). They decided to go camping. At first, I was very happy for Brendan. I mean, his life is really moving fast with school, sports, friends, etc... His father at least needed to see how well his son was doing.  But when it was time to drop off Brendan at our designated place, I became sick to the stomach and I didn't even want to see his face. I tried to hide my feelings from Brendan and we talked about other things while I was driving. As we pulled up, I just wanted to puke. "My God! I really hate this man!!" All I could do was tell Brendan have nice weekend and leave as quickly as I could. I couldn't get away fast enough.

Then over that weekend and immediately after Brendan came home, I kept having dreams where I'm screaming and yelling at him. I'm screaming at him for not paying child support and for not being a father to his son. It was like some deep seeded rage that was erupting in my dreams. I truly hated him and wanted nothing to do with him ever. How do you hide these kinds of feelings from your child, from yourself or from anyone?

But I realized that I was also angry with myself. I thought that I worked through these awful feelings. I thought that I had accepted that fact that this incredibly immature, alcoholic, emotionally and mentally ill man was incapable of being a father and that it was best that he was not an influence in Brendan's life. I thought I accepted that fact that he decided not to pay child support and that I would be responsible for Brendan's needs. But I was very wrong and the anger is immense and subconsciously all consuming. I spoke with Sharon and she said that I was being too hard on myself. She said that I have the right to be angry and that I was given the raw deal. But I told her that I walk around talking about forgiveness and compassion. I talk about not looking back in anger and moving forward in order to let go. Yet, here I am dealing with the white, hot rage!

However, Sharon is right. I am human and I'm being way too hard on myself. I have the right to be angry. I mean this man only sees his son once or twice a year. He misses out on Brendan's games, scouting achievements and school events and he misses out on the little things in Brendan's life. He tells everyone that I do not let him see Brendan, which is not true. I have never told him that he cannot see his child.  He does not pay child support (not one damn dime in all three years), which means that Joe and I have been solely paying for Brendan's needs. Finally, I have always been respectful and nice to him. We have never had an argument or fought. I have always tried to be the bigger person for the sake of our son. And how do I get treated? With total disrespect and immature hostility. So yeah, I'm angry!

I know that in a few years, Brendan will be 18 yrs old and this situation will have past. I will move on and it will be up to Brendan to deal with his old man. But for now, I will have to dig deep in order to learn to forgive him. I will have to dig real deep to look at this man with compassion instead of hate and loathing. I know for a fact, that my anger is not his problem and it's not Brendan's. It's my problem and my problem alone. In fact, unless Brendan reads this blog, he'll never know. But I do know that if I do not work on these feelings, it will stop me from moving forward and it will be energy wasted.

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”  -Sara Paddison

Walking among the clouds

When I was flying home, I was lucky enough to have the window seat. Usually I don't care whether or not I have the window seat. But this time, I was in a row all by myself and something told me to scoot over towards the window.

It was a lovely Sunday evening and I was flying from Charlotte to Cleveland and I was anxious to get home.Typically when I fly, I always send out a quick prayer for a safe flight and for God to look over my family. But this time, I think God granted me an impromptu blessing.

I was blessed with the opportunity of imagining myself walking among the clouds. As I looked out of the window, the sun was slowly setting and the clouds looked like huge white cotton balls rolling around in the air like tumbleweeds. Some were white and fluffy like cotton candy, while others were soft, feathery and stretch across the sky.

My God, I wish I could step out and feel the them. It was like I was being teased by their beauty, but only to remain untouched. It was awesome to watch these clouds float above the ground.

At times, I can see the ground below and I began to realize our small significance in this expansive universe. And then I began to imagine myself as a giant and walking on the ground with my large body and grand feet. 

As the evening sun was lingering in the sky, giving up its last chance of daylight, I was able to see the shadow of our plane moving among the clouds high above the ground. Finally towards the end of my flight, this time I found myself thanking God for this lovely view and the rare opportunity to fly among the clouds.

An ode to Savannah...

So I'm in beautiful Savannah, Ga...it's very hot and sultry in this small charming city. I don't know why I love Savannah. But it's beautiful and rustic....it's old and seductive. As my mom and I are walking along Bay Street,I was amazed by the charm and simple irony of the new and the old. There are modern day cars and trucks whizzing by old buildings and landscapes that have been around since beginning of our country. We were surrounded by wonderful Spanish Moss that were sprawled across the trees like century old lovers.

We walked into an antique shop on Bay St. and we were greeted with a sincere and inviting, "Hi y'all..." It was warm and thick with a southern brogue. As we walk around the antique store, I could smell the ocean air and I tried to imagine the ghosts of yesterday among the antiques and the stories behind the vintage treasures. As we are leaving the shop, we hear "Have a nice day, y'all!" Thanks to the southern sentimentality, you learn your manners quickly, "Thanks, you too." I said sincerely.

I love Savannah. I don't know why. But I do love this city. Perhaps it's the mixed of the old and new. Perhaps it's the charm of Bay and River Streets. Or perhaps, it's the endless historical squares and lush green parks like Forsythe Park that reminds me of a time long ago. In the end, there is one thing I do know...that one day, thanks to my love for Savannah, I hope that this will be the beautiful enchanting city where I will marry my best friend.

Girl Power!!

"...a little kindness can go a long way."~Caitlan Boyle, Operation Beautiful

I was getting dressed this morning and the Today Show was on TV. I usually just it have the Today Show for the background noise. But this time they had a story that actually caught my attention. There was this story about a young lady who wanted to put out a powerful message to all the young girls and women everywhere.

She believed that there were too many negative body images for girls. And because of these messages, a lot of girls and women were suffering from their own negative body images. So she decided to be proactive and put out positive messages in public areas for women and girls to read. For example, she'd write positive messages on sticky notes and places them on mirrors in public restrooms. The notes would say, "You are beautiful!"

How cool is that?

She also blogs about this important message and has a website called Operation Beautiful. And this random act of kindness has taken off and now others participate and leave inspirational messages all over the place for women and girls to read.

When she was asked by the reporter why did she create this website/blog. She responded, "Because a little kindness can go a long way." How simple and sweet and yet, her message is extremely powerful. Here's to girl power!
www.operationbeautiful.com

Not looking back with regret...

‎"Removing thoughts of shame from your mind involves a willingness to let go, to see your past behaviors as lessons you had to learn, and to reconnect to your Source through prayer and meditation."~Dr. Wayne Dyer

I really like this quote. Letting go is extremely difficult....but I found out that through prayer and meditation (when I used to meditate), it is possible to reconnect so that you can move on and move forward. 

We often punish ourselves severely for our past behaviors, but I've learned not to look back with regret. As I've gotten older, I began to understand there are always lessons to be learned, and with those lessons comes self awareness and perhaps that reconnection with God or our Source. Thanks Dr. Wayne Dyer!

THOR Movie New Trailer - Official 2011 - Main Character Selection Castin...

For those who don't me that well....here's a little (weird) secret about me...

I have a really weird taste in guys (sorry Joe)....I've always liked my blonds, especially those who are big, tall and a bit rough around the edges. I don't know why...but it's always been that way.

So Joe and I was watching something on TV about Comic-Con  2010, which is a basically a nerd convention for those into sci-fi and comic books. Anyway, they interviewed this Aussie hottie who is playing in the upcoming Thor movie. My God! What is in the water in Australia?! Needless to say my mouth was on the flippin floor. I was impressed by his looks and Joe couldn't believe the size of this arms. 

Then I decided to look up the trailer for the movie online and couldn't find it. Well, I didn't put too much effort into finding it. But what I did find was what the cast consideration for the movie. I was surprised to find out that their considerations were most of the guys that I really like! Although they chose this new hottie from Australia....I would not have mind looking at Triple H or Brad Pitt playing the Norse god!

Oh, and Joe has a reason to go see the movie with me...his girl Natalie Portman is in the movie too!

To aunt Cathy, I know you might shake your head at this blog! Hahaha!

I had to think about this one for a minute...

Just be ordinary and nothing special. Eat your food, move your bowels, pass water, and when you're tired, go and lie down. The ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand.

~Bruce Lee

I've always known that Bruce Lee was somewhat a philosopher. I watched a documentary about his life a long time ago. In this documentary, it was easy to appreciate that many of this philosophical beliefs and teachings were from years of Eastern study in both the physical and the spiritual. For me, it was obvious that he was seeking enlightenment during his short life. He may even obtained it. Unfortunately, we'll never know. 

For some reason, I really like this quote. I haven't quite figured it out yet. I have always believed that you shouldn't be ordinary...that you have to be different and stand out...However, this quote is definately food for thought!

Eastern philosophy....

I have always enjoyed learning about different points of views and exploring other perspectives, especially certain aspects of Eastern philosophies.


Today, I ran across this quote:

 

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."

~Buddha 

 

Ah...it's summertime and I'm in love....

I love a warm summer day,

the soft summer breeze and
the way the tall grass sways

I love the fluffy clouds and
hearing my kids having fun

I love the giggly nights

Oh, the summer feels so right!
I love the flowers that bloom and

Aidan pointing to the summer moon

I love the bright yellow sun

Who can say the summer isn't fun?

Ah...it's summer and I'm in love!!

A couple of weeks ago...

I saw someone's dream come true....its not everyday that you can witness someone's dream come true. But I'll never forget it. It was a lazy summer afternoon...Joe was on the phone with Aunt Claire and holding a peacefully sleeping Aidan. I just buzzing around the house in my PJs doing God knows what. But the sun was out and day was clear.


Suddendly, I just happened to look through our livingroom window and saw a dark car pull up in our driveway. Instantly, I knew that it was Joe's dad. I didn't recognize the car, but I knew it was him. I said to Joe, "I think your dad just bought something..."


We head outside and there was Joe's dad, standing beside this beautiful forest green Corvette. I couldn't tell if was Joe's dad or the car that was beaming. So after we all picked our mouths up off the ground, we just looked at this beautiful shiny car. I think we circled it a few times, peaked on the inside for quite a while and looked in awe at the pristine engine. Then Joe's dad said, "I've always wanted one of these..." How wonderful it is get something that you've worked hard for and have always wanted. We were very happy for him and he couldn't stop smiling....


It's not everyday that you see someone's dream come true. But no matter how big or small that dream is...it's truly awesome to witness random moments of happiness. Enjoy your beautiful Corvette Mr. Joe!!

Angel of Harlem

~You Go To My Head by Billie Holiday

I've always loved Billie Holiday....

Her voice was beautiful, it was precious...it was intoxicating

She sang each and every lyric as if she was truly feeling them from her soul.

Her song will never be forgotten....this "Angel of Harlem"

To my one and only love...

You fill my heart with such eager desire...
every kiss you give....sets my soul on fire...
I give myself in sweet surrender...
my one and only love...


~Sting

Chris Brown and the Man in the Mirror

I watching parts of the BET Awards and Chris Brown was singing Man in the Mirror as a tribute to Michael Jackson, and it was quite apparent that he couldn't sing the rest of the song. He was very emotional and starting crying on stage. It was quite obvious that the words touched him, despite the media scrutiny the next day, I know that you can't fake that kind of emotion and sincerity. It appears that the world and the music industry is ready to forgive Chris Brown for beating up Rhianna. And I agree, it's time to move on.

Of course, this opened up a conversation between Brendan and myself about Chris Brown's domestic violence sitatution. I was very frank with Brendan and explained that what Chris Brown was absolutely wrong and awful. Under no circumstances should a man ever put his hands on a woman. He deserved all the public scrutiny that came along with it. His career practically went down the toilet and his image was tarnished.

But then this led to teaching Brendan about remorse and forgiveness. We talked about making mistakes and even those of the worse kind But along with acknowledgment comes being compassionate remorseful. Now obviously, I don't know Chris Brown, I really don't listen to his music and really don't care about him personally. But I just think his situation should be a valuable lesson to all people, especially when it comes to bringing awareness about domestic violence.  Because I know first hand, what happens when domestic violence is not stopped. Hopefully, he got a good dose of humble pie! Check out the link below:

http://youtu.be/K2K3yV1nQcQ

Happy Father's Day Joe!!

I would like to tell the whole world what a wonderful father Joe is..

There's not enough words to express how much you are loved and cherished. You are a phenomenal father to Aidan and a great role model to Brendan.

You are a true an example of what a real father and a real man is...

Please know that everyday, I thank God for you...

I love and appreciate you for everything that you do and everything that you are...
Happy Father's Day Joe!!

Brendan's top 4 celebrity crush...

1. Selena Gomez

2. Jessica Alba

3. Kristin Stewart (twilight movies)

4. Kim Kardashian

5. Kirsten Dunst (when he was a little boy)

Who is your celebrity crush?

Joe's top 10 celebrity crushes...in no particular order

1. Selma Hayek

2. Nicole Scherzinger

3. Heidi Klum

4. Halle Berry

5. Kim Kardashian

6. Stacy Dash

7. Jennifer Love Hewitt

8. Lea Michele (Glee)

9. Jamie Lynn Sigler

10. Jessica Alba

Whose your top 10 celebrity crush?

My top 10 celebrity crush...

Here's my top 10 celebrity crushes:

1. David Beckham (this man does my heart good...that's why he's my #1)

2. Brad Pitt

3. Channing Tatum

4. Adam Rodriguez

5. Antonio Sabato Jr.
6. Morris Chestnut

7. Blair Underwood

8. Usher Raymond

9. Eric Bana (Troy & Hulk)

10. Gerad Butler

Channing Tatum (my new celebrity crush)

Adam Rodriquez (CSI: Miami)

Antonio Sabato Jr.

Who is your top 10 celebrity crush?

My baby is going to the seventh grade...

I'm really proud of Brendan. He's growing up right before my very eyes! He's finished with sixth grade and will moving on to the seventh. Although, we've struggled with grades and doing homework, I can't believe my son is growing up. He was talking to us sounding like Barry White and he's even taller than me (although I won't admit that to his face). He's becoming more interested in playing sports like football, basketball and baseball. Wow! Gone are the days of Spongebob and WWE.

Sometimes, I think back to the days when he was my little boy. Brendan was a great baby and a good kid. Now he's a independent preteen with a good heart. I'm just hoping that we all get through the teenage years in one piece and he grows into a good successful man.

In the meanwhile, I'm going to be there for him through thick and thin. I'm going to support him through the ups and downs. I'm going to love him through the next six years and beyond. I love you Brendan Anthony! Here's to the seventh grade bae-bae!!

I miss my girls...

Today, I'm going to write about something extremely personal. Something that I don't share with the world....but now I'm going to put my feelings out there.

Right now, at this moment, I'm incredibly sad.

I'm really sad because I miss my girls. I miss my best friend, my girlfriends, my sister and my mom. As girls, we were close and shared one common thread of  being a hodgepodge of different backgrounds and personalities. It was that hodepodge that got us all through high school in one piece.

As young ladies, we began to explore our individuality, our lives and yet, we come together to share our experiences. As women, we grew up, most of us seperated, went away to school, some of us got married, had children or just moved away.

We tried to get together to share our experiences, but the demands of our everyday lives, leaves little for us to get together and share our experiences. I also think that because we've been away so long...that we don't know each other anymore, so we tend to feel like strangers amongst each other.

Tonight as I sit here,  I wonder what is everyone doing?  How is everyone doing? How are your children and your families? I want to see you face to face and talk with you. Now I know could call, email, facebook, tweet, leave countless voicemails, whatever...

But what happened to getting together and visiting with each other?

I miss my best friend completely. I miss our friendship and our bond. We shared so much in the past and in the present. You know me better than anyone on the whole world. But we don't see each other, we don't visit...we don't share our lives... I miss you.

I miss all my dear friends from school. I know that you guys are doing well. But I wish we could get together more often and share our experiences. But we we all live cities and states apart.

I understand that because of family obligations, careers, time and money that getting together is difficult. However, we should try to make an effort to get together. I really miss you guys.

I miss my mom and sister....enough said....

After 40 years....

Yesterday, I heard that Al Gore and his wife Tipper decided to divorce after 40 years of marriage. According to Good Morning America, the Gores were high school sweethearts who married right after college. Then Al went into politics at the age of 26 and his career continued on to Vice Presidency in the 90's. Now, not knowing much about the Gores, I'm assuming that his wife decided to stay at home, raise their four children and support her husband's career.

Now that Al Gore's political career has passed, his is focused on environmental activism. He has obviously followed his passion. Then it was brought to my attention, that he was traveling a lot and hardly home because of his work. It was said that their divorce has nothing to do with any kind of extra marital affairs. If that's the case, why split up after 40 years? I mean, who wants to start over in their sixties?

But wait... maybe I'm being too judgemental. In fact, I know I'm being judegmental. Now I think I need to figure this out....

I mean, if Al Gore can follow his passion and save the world through environmental activism, then maybe it was time for Tipper to find her own passion. I heard that she's an talented photographer and an advocate for mental health issues. In addition, their children are all accomplished adults. Maybe she has own plans for her own life. Perhaps when married couple grows up and grows apart, perhaps marriage is not in the equation anymore

So maybe their divorce has nothing to do with wanting to go out and date or marry other people.

Maybe it's about being selfish. But selfish in a good way. I don't think their marriage failed. And I say this because as husband and wife, they were able to fulfill each other's need in order to accomplish their goals. But now as they approach the twilight of their lives, maybe they feel they can now explore their own passions seperately.

In the end, I hope they can maintain a relationship corgially, at least for their family's sake.

I still don't understand divorce and I'm still confused by that whole decision making process. But I can at least understand following your passion and living your life to the fullest.

http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2010/06/al-gore-wife-tipper-to-divorce/

Thanks Blanche!!

Today Rue MacClanahan died at the precious age of 76. Wow! This evening, I was watching a little tribute to her life and they were talking about the show Golden Girls. I absolutely loved the Golden Girls and "Blanche Devereaux" was my favorite my character. She was a free spirit, a southern belle and very open about her sexuality. And this was during the time when sex and the thought of older women having sex was unthinkable. But thanks to the show and these wonderful characters, I was no longer afraid of getting older. In fact, these ladies showed us that getting older can be pretty cool. They were confident, funny glorious women! Thanks to Blanche and the show, I'm looking forward to becoming a Golden Girl..RIP Blanche!!!

What I Like...

While I was driving to work, I kept thinking about my next subject to blog about. Then it occurred to me that I want to write about me! What's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing. But I wanted to make it very simple.

I want to write about what I like:

I like hearing the birds sing morning (they really sing on summer mornings)

I like hearing Brendan sing

I like listening to music and thinking I can carry a tune

I like flowers and all their glorious colors

I like driving to Georgia and most road trips

I like Lays Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips

I like watching Joe sleep

I like watching HGTV and DIY on Saturday afternoons

I like very strong coffee

I like the way Aidan smells

I like the noise Aidan makes when he runs around the house

I like dark chocolate

I like wine (very much)

I my job

I like Cleveland in the summer

I like watching wedding shows, especially shows about wedding dresses

I like all kinds of music except country (sorry)

I like to read historical novels

I like Yoga and meditation (although I wish I had the time to Yoga and meditate)

I like bright green, pink and orange colors

I like to clean, but I'm not OCD about (at least I don't think I am).

I like Margarita on the rocks (no salt please)

I like it when Joe and I watch TV together (no children please)

I like Joe's family (more normal than mine)

I like cheesecake

I like watching the Amazing Race

I like watching the news (I'm a bonafide news junkie)

I like it when Brendan has a new hair cut

I like Drag Queens...I think RuPaul rocks! Seriously, have you even been to one their live shows?

I like Aidan's curls

I like talking to my mom and sister on the phone

I like the feeling of accomplishment

I like researching my family history

I like swearing (although I've been told that swearing is an expression of an empty mine...really?)

I like getting manicures and pedicures

I like watching my boys play on the beach

I like watching my boys experience something new

and exciting for the first time

I like Joe's hair and rubbing my finger through it (although he doesn't like it)

I like watching Seinfeld

I like going to lunch with my girlfriends

I like reading (mostly historical fiction)

Now I could go on and on...and I may even add to it. But you have admit it, you've never sat down and listed what you liked, unless you were forced to....

But what do you like? I would love to know....

The Dahli Lama

So today I was thinking about religion and how our world is filled with many, many religions and other various forms of worship. I think as human beings, we need religion or at least need to worship because it helps us make sense of our world, our existence. But now I wonder, does our world really make sense? Has religion really answered our most fundamental questions? In short, I that think over the millennia, religion has made sense to most people. It helps us makes sense of our world, our existence and in our everyday lives.

Then I remembered a few years ago, I was watching a TV special that asked the question, "Does Heaven and Hell really exist?" Now before I go any further with this observation, I'm not debating or questioning anyone's religious choices or beliefs. And I'm not debating about whose religion is right or wrong. I'm just speaking about the responses from today's major religious leaders, which I found to be interesting but not surprising.

That being said, in this documentary, the questions about the existence of Heaven and Hell was posed to  the all the major religious clerics or leaders, which ranged from Judiasm, Islamic to television Evanglists. And it was very interesting because all their answers were fundamentally the same, the message was the same and the passion was just as strong (I think it's how we choose to worship, is what makes us different). Now as far as worship, all the answers varied and they all believed in one way or another that our actions in this life will affect our afterlife (albeit Heaven or Hell). Their answers were incredibly intense, powerful and undoubtly sincere. I was really moved by their responses.

But what struck a chord with me the most was the response from the Dahli Lama. He was serious but smiling and reasurring. His answer was direct and sincere. Now being a Tibetan Monk, I was not surprised by his serene since of calmness and peace. But I was even more amazed by the logic of his answer. He basically said, (to paraphrase) that you can believe what you want, but it's life that you live on this planet, it is the here and now that is important.

What I took from his response, is that our Heaven and Hell is what we make our of lives now. Although attaining enlightenment is very important to Buddhists, I think I got the gist of what he was saying. While watching the documentary, tt was incredible to see him interact with people and other religious clerics. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to become a Buddhist, but I have to admit that his enlighten response to an age old (and very controversial) question definately made me think about how to enjoy and embrace my life in the here and now. And who knows, if there's an afterlife, I hope I'm on the side of God. :0)

Why I am boycotting BP!!

This morning, the sun was bright and the morning air felt good. I was watching TV while my baby was bouncing around the the bedroom without a care in the world. He was playing with "Mac" and I was enjoying the comfort of my blanket. Aidan was happy and content and I was enjoying his company.

And then I had a reality check, I was watching the news and they were talking about the horrific oil leak in the Gulf Region. Although I knew that this catastrophe has been going on for several weeks.  My morning was shattered and sense of peace was rocked to its very core. I'm sitting there looking at the news and I'm stunned by the severe  catastrophic damage that we're doing to our planet. I cannot believe that millions and milllions (and millions) of gallons of crude oil is being spilled into the gulf (as I sit here and type) and we can't find a way to stop it!!

I'm angry because I feel powerless to help our planet. We can throw money into producing, manufacting and marketing oil while increasing our dependence on it. But we cannot find the money, resources or technology to stop a major catastrophe like an oil spill!!

It literally made me sick to the stomach to watch all that oil and our natural nonrenewable resource pour into our waters. I'm sitting here and I can't believe that we are killing our livelihood and our ecosystems. We are killing the animals, sea life, plants and grasslands, and the agriculture that is completely dependent on this ecosystem in the Gulf region and not to mention, those who make their living in the out there. I got the chills when a biologist mentioned that even on a microscopic level, the plankton and other small sea animals will mistaken the miscroscopic oil bubbles for food. How awful is that?

This situation only proves how vulnerable our ecosystem is to man's greed. We take and take and take and have no concern about the future of our children. We continue to drain and destroy all our non renewable natural resources while continuing to increase our dependence upon them.  We do not honor our planet and we have let our greed and dependency to cause mass destruction of our planet and all the systems that depend on it.

So therefore, I am boycotting BP. I cannot with good conscience go to BP and buy any of their products. I wish I could decrease my dependency on gas. But then, who can afford a hybrid car (although eco-friendly and "green")? 'The average person cannot afford these more expensive cars. So much for green living. But for now, I can speak with my wallet. In fact, maybe from this point on, I will start of be more aware of companies and their lack of care for our planet.  Or maybe, just maybe, I can look towards myself and figure out ways to help my planet...so that my children can continue to play and not have to worry about depending on non renewable natural resources to live their lives.