Artistic License...

So I was talking with Sharon about my blog, and she asked a question about how come I haven't blogged in a while. I told her because there are some subjects that I want to talk about, but I'm afraid of offending people. She said, "its okay because you have an artistic license."

I said, "really?"

So I've been thinking about this artistic license and somehow, I'm still having hard time with this. I mean, when I was a lot younger, I was full of opinions and very strong beliefs. Everything was black and white and there was little wiggle room for anything else. Believe me, if you asked me, I was going to tell you.

And then, I started to live a little, experience some changes in my life and made some tough decisions and sacrifices. By then I was keeping most of opinions to myself and just starting listening to other people.

But now I'm 36 yrs old and I've started this blog. I can pretty much say what I want. So why am I afraid?  I think that I'm afraid that if I started expressing myself that people won't like me. Wow! I'm almost embarassed to admit that...hmmm...

But I also believe in being responsible and thoughtful. I want to be responsbile because my words, my thoughts, my beliefs are to be going to out there...out in the world wide web, out in the universe.

So there is one thing that I know and that is my truth...I've always wanted to write...I love writing and this is an excellant outlet for me...so I'm going to step out of comfort zone and just write...

To my beautiful sisters!

I've been wanting to say this for a long time. As a Black woman, I feel that I need to speak up for us. We've been getting a bad rap for too many years by everyone. I hate the stereotypes that we are mean, head shaking, finger snapping and angry women. It seems like too many people are way to happy to spew this stereoptype on TV, news and radio and I'm tired of Black men using these stereotypes as excuse for dating out of their race. If you date out of your race, then say it's your choice. But you shouldn't use stereotypes or genaralizations to explain your choice.

First of all, people have to remember that most of us are not angry. But for too many years, we've had to carry the load of raising our children and carrying the household on our own.  Sometimes, our resourcefulness and even our frustrations with feeling invisible can be seen as over aggressive.

But check this out, according statistics 45% of Black women have never been married and this is compared to only 20% of White women. Now this doesn't mean that Black women do not have the opportunity to get married. It's just that today more Black men are involved in interracial relationships (or choosing to never marry at all) while most Black women choose not date interracially.  In addition, more Black women are becoming highly educated then Black men, and because of this, we have chosen to stay single because we haven't found someone on our level when it comes to our faith, education and careers ambition.

Then I think of Michelle Obama. She is everything that I wanted to be. She's beautiful, educated, smart and a mom with a successful career. But I was also sad to see that because of her success and business like demeanor, she was intially described by the news media at the "angry Black women". If it was anyone else, she would have appeared ambitious, strong and supportive. However, in order for her husband to win the election, she had to change her demeanor and set aside her ambitions so that she did not have to be continually subjected to the "angry" Black women stereotype. How sad!

Now I'm not going into the social ills of race relations. My little blog isn't going to change the world. But I just know that some of my closest friends (my sisters) in this world are Black women. They are married and but most are single. They are some of the most beautiful, sensitive and self-sacrificing women I know. They work, go to school and raise their children (sometimes by themselves). These are the women I have worked, laughed and cried with. These are women who encourage me go through school while watching my children. These are women who let me cry to them, invited me to their churches and into their homes and lives.

These wonderful Black women are educated, beautiful spiritual, sensitve and wise.

We deserve to be described as such.

So here's what I'm thinking

After talking with all kinds of couples and even single folk. This is my conclusion, which of course can be fluid because that's how life is. But for now, most people that I have talked with have had the some of the same conclusions.

First, communication is very important. You have to say what's on your mind. You have to express yourself and LISTEN to your partner. You may not like what your partner is saying. But you should acknowledge that you HEAR them and you are at least trying to understand what they are saying. Like my mother said, once you stop communicating, your relationship is dead.

You cannot assume that people are mind readers and know what's going in your head. I was reading an article about a couple that was married for over 70 yrs, and the secret to their successful marriage is that they had a "small" arguments everyday. Now this may sound dysfunctional, but according to them, they were able to express themselves and say what they needed to say instead of holding in their frustrations. Interesting.

Next, is accepting that person for who they are. After talking with another couple who's been married for almost 45 yrs. They agreed that although they are different people, they have never tried to change each other. They have accepted each other for who they are. Personally, I have learned that variety is the spice of life. I don't want a partner who is a carbon copy of myself. I've enjoyed talking with people with different views, thoughts and experiences. In any relationship, you shouldn't try to change anyone. Even if they have personality flaws (and we all have them), we should try to accept them for who they are or just move on. Ultimatums don't work.

The same couple also talked about respect for each other. Sure we all say that we respect each other. But do we truly know what respect means? It's more that just admiring somebody. But it's how we treat each other and how we talk to each other. This couple said that they when they have had their arguments, they never EVER called each other names and swore at each other. Now I know, when we're angry sometimes we say things out of blind anger. But when you put those words out there, you can say you're sorry but you can never take them back.  I've learned that from personal experience.

Next, they have NEVER argued in front of their children. I know this is not easy or realistic for everyone. But I really think this is something to at least think about. I'm not saying that we should hide our feelings from our children. I just think that children should never EVER be involved in adult affairs. They should never hear their parents disrepect each other with words or anything else. I think that if children are exposed to their parents problems, it causes more problems and leads them to worry about and become involved in adults issues that they either don't understand or that will lead to anxiety issues. I think that if children hear their parents argue (and the parents know about it), then its the parents responsibility to talk with their children in a level they understand in order to ease their fears. Many may disagree with me. But I feel strongly about this point.

I think that a lot of people who are more spiritual (and that can be defined many ways), feel as if they are more responsible or maybe held more accountable to their higher power. Especially, couples who worship together (and I think that if you have the same faith, worshipping together is very important). Now don't get me wrong, I'm not naive or green. I know that we're all human and even spiritual couples have very serious problems that leads to divorce. But based upon my conversations, it just appears they just don't walk away as quickly. They believe that their marriage is an institution designed by God or faith, and therefore, they are more spiritually accountable for their decisons. Maybe for those of us who were raised in our faiths have forgotten that. Maybe we think that the spiritual guidelines of marriage according to God are archaic. But the older I get, the more I think that having God in my relationship or at least knowing I'm accountable to a higher source is really something to think about.

Finally, in my conversations, I've also learned when these elements don't work, then maybe couples should seperate and move on. At first, I really had a difficult time with this notion. But I think I'm starting to understand. No one should be unhappy and stuck in a situation where they are miserable. I guess I just have a problem with how people leave each other. It's either by cheating, walking out or some other dirty tactic. That's the part that I don't understand. Perhaps, it's because we're so angry that we act on that emotion. Or maybe it's just the need to get away for our sanity. I truly don't know. I also know that everyone is different, we cope differently and not all us were given the proper tools to handle our problems. I just hate to see when relationships end and then when we become cruel to each other.

Notice that I didn't use the word LOVE in my conclusion. LOVE is important, it's the foundation. But once the the thrill of love is over and it's the roller coaster of our relationships/marriages, homes, 2.5 kids, work and just everyday life, then that's when the real things like communication, respect, acceptance, boundaries and faith are the threads that keep love going.