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| It's so damn easy to let anger take control!! |
Last month, Brendan got in touch with his father (who he hasn't seen in over a year). They decided to go camping. At first, I was very happy for Brendan. I mean, his life is really moving fast with school, sports, friends, etc... His father at least needed to see how well his son was doing. But when it was time to drop off Brendan at our designated place, I became sick to the stomach and I didn't even want to see his face. I tried to hide my feelings from Brendan and we talked about other things while I was driving. As we pulled up, I just wanted to puke. "My God! I really hate this man!!" All I could do was tell Brendan have nice weekend and leave as quickly as I could. I couldn't get away fast enough.
Then over that weekend and immediately after Brendan came home, I kept having dreams where I'm screaming and yelling at him. I'm screaming at him for not paying child support and for not being a father to his son. It was like some deep seeded rage that was erupting in my dreams. I truly hated him and wanted nothing to do with him ever. How do you hide these kinds of feelings from your child, from yourself or from anyone?
But I realized that I was also angry with myself. I thought that I worked through these awful feelings. I thought that I had accepted that fact that this incredibly immature, alcoholic, emotionally and mentally ill man was incapable of being a father and that it was best that he was not an influence in Brendan's life. I thought I accepted that fact that he decided not to pay child support and that I would be responsible for Brendan's needs. But I was very wrong and the anger is immense and subconsciously all consuming. I spoke with Sharon and she said that I was being too hard on myself. She said that I have the right to be angry and that I was given the raw deal. But I told her that I walk around talking about forgiveness and compassion. I talk about not looking back in anger and moving forward in order to let go. Yet, here I am dealing with the white, hot rage!
However, Sharon is right. I am human and I'm being way too hard on myself. I have the right to be angry. I mean this man only sees his son once or twice a year. He misses out on Brendan's games, scouting achievements and school events and he misses out on the little things in Brendan's life. He tells everyone that I do not let him see Brendan, which is not true. I have never told him that he cannot see his child. He does not pay child support (not one damn dime in all three years), which means that Joe and I have been solely paying for Brendan's needs. Finally, I have always been respectful and nice to him. We have never had an argument or fought. I have always tried to be the bigger person for the sake of our son. And how do I get treated? With total disrespect and immature hostility. So yeah, I'm angry!
I know that in a few years, Brendan will be 18 yrs old and this situation will have past. I will move on and it will be up to Brendan to deal with his old man. But for now, I will have to dig deep in order to learn to forgive him. I will have to dig real deep to look at this man with compassion instead of hate and loathing. I know for a fact, that my anger is not his problem and it's not Brendan's. It's my problem and my problem alone. In fact, unless Brendan reads this blog, he'll never know. But I do know that if I do not work on these feelings, it will stop me from moving forward and it will be energy wasted.
“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” -Sara Paddison
2 comments:
I am so glad you decided to express this! Because even though you are allowed to be angry, the best thing to do is try your best to get past the anger towards some sort of forgiveness that you can handle, and writing this is only the beginning. I supposed in some way you'll never quite get bast the anger... it may be with you in some form or another throughout your life. But the best thing to do is identify it, understand where its coming from, and deal with it, and let it go. It may rear its ugly little head again... but you just start the process all over until it gets easier and easier.
You have done a stellar job raising Brendan, never forget that. Just this morning I was laying in bed remembering when he was a newborn and you telling me how much you loved him and happy and grateful you were to be his mom. Love it stronger then hate, and its that love that keeps you sane, and doing whats best for Brendan and you. Its that love that has allowed and will allow you to move past the anger toward forgiveness and acceptance.
Never underestimate who you are and your power to make change happen in you life. And of course, whenever you need me you know I'm always here for you!
Sherita, your sister is absolutely right. You are the better person. You have stuck by this boy because he is yours, you have molded him into the wonderful young man that he has become. You, you did that, be proud of yourself. YOu took a bad situation and made it wonderful. Brendan will (probably already knows) what kind of a father he has. You are a wonderful mother turn that anger into proudness.
I do understand because I have raised Damon from when he was 3 weeks old. She would drop him off and then in 2 weeks or a month she would pop back in and want to take him home. One night when he was 2 months old she called me @ 10pm. She said she was at a park and got into with someone and they put a hit out on her. Can you come pick up Damon for me. Now first of all what is she doing at the park at that time of night with a baby. Anyways I get dressed and go find this park and bring that baby home. It was shear hell until that boy was 7 years old and we finally got her to sign him over to us.
There were alot of times that I wanted her out of his life. I could not tell you the things I thought if I only had the money. But God was stronger than my thoughts. I am blessed every day for not following my wants. Where would I be and where would Damon be. He is grown now and has his own opinion of his mother. He knows where he would have been if she would have raised him and he came upon this decision on his own. We have never talked bad about her to or in front of him. She has sowed her own seeds.
Be proud of you and I know you are proud of him. You have done a wonderful job. Love goes out to you and Joe.
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