So here's what I'm thinking

After talking with all kinds of couples and even single folk. This is my conclusion, which of course can be fluid because that's how life is. But for now, most people that I have talked with have had the some of the same conclusions.

First, communication is very important. You have to say what's on your mind. You have to express yourself and LISTEN to your partner. You may not like what your partner is saying. But you should acknowledge that you HEAR them and you are at least trying to understand what they are saying. Like my mother said, once you stop communicating, your relationship is dead.

You cannot assume that people are mind readers and know what's going in your head. I was reading an article about a couple that was married for over 70 yrs, and the secret to their successful marriage is that they had a "small" arguments everyday. Now this may sound dysfunctional, but according to them, they were able to express themselves and say what they needed to say instead of holding in their frustrations. Interesting.

Next, is accepting that person for who they are. After talking with another couple who's been married for almost 45 yrs. They agreed that although they are different people, they have never tried to change each other. They have accepted each other for who they are. Personally, I have learned that variety is the spice of life. I don't want a partner who is a carbon copy of myself. I've enjoyed talking with people with different views, thoughts and experiences. In any relationship, you shouldn't try to change anyone. Even if they have personality flaws (and we all have them), we should try to accept them for who they are or just move on. Ultimatums don't work.

The same couple also talked about respect for each other. Sure we all say that we respect each other. But do we truly know what respect means? It's more that just admiring somebody. But it's how we treat each other and how we talk to each other. This couple said that they when they have had their arguments, they never EVER called each other names and swore at each other. Now I know, when we're angry sometimes we say things out of blind anger. But when you put those words out there, you can say you're sorry but you can never take them back.  I've learned that from personal experience.

Next, they have NEVER argued in front of their children. I know this is not easy or realistic for everyone. But I really think this is something to at least think about. I'm not saying that we should hide our feelings from our children. I just think that children should never EVER be involved in adult affairs. They should never hear their parents disrepect each other with words or anything else. I think that if children are exposed to their parents problems, it causes more problems and leads them to worry about and become involved in adults issues that they either don't understand or that will lead to anxiety issues. I think that if children hear their parents argue (and the parents know about it), then its the parents responsibility to talk with their children in a level they understand in order to ease their fears. Many may disagree with me. But I feel strongly about this point.

I think that a lot of people who are more spiritual (and that can be defined many ways), feel as if they are more responsible or maybe held more accountable to their higher power. Especially, couples who worship together (and I think that if you have the same faith, worshipping together is very important). Now don't get me wrong, I'm not naive or green. I know that we're all human and even spiritual couples have very serious problems that leads to divorce. But based upon my conversations, it just appears they just don't walk away as quickly. They believe that their marriage is an institution designed by God or faith, and therefore, they are more spiritually accountable for their decisons. Maybe for those of us who were raised in our faiths have forgotten that. Maybe we think that the spiritual guidelines of marriage according to God are archaic. But the older I get, the more I think that having God in my relationship or at least knowing I'm accountable to a higher source is really something to think about.

Finally, in my conversations, I've also learned when these elements don't work, then maybe couples should seperate and move on. At first, I really had a difficult time with this notion. But I think I'm starting to understand. No one should be unhappy and stuck in a situation where they are miserable. I guess I just have a problem with how people leave each other. It's either by cheating, walking out or some other dirty tactic. That's the part that I don't understand. Perhaps, it's because we're so angry that we act on that emotion. Or maybe it's just the need to get away for our sanity. I truly don't know. I also know that everyone is different, we cope differently and not all us were given the proper tools to handle our problems. I just hate to see when relationships end and then when we become cruel to each other.

Notice that I didn't use the word LOVE in my conclusion. LOVE is important, it's the foundation. But once the the thrill of love is over and it's the roller coaster of our relationships/marriages, homes, 2.5 kids, work and just everyday life, then that's when the real things like communication, respect, acceptance, boundaries and faith are the threads that keep love going.