Okay...so here's my question to my friends who has been married 15+ years (and for my dear friends who have married than 15 yrs, I'm sorry but you cannot answer this question). What makes your marriage successful? I cannot begin to imagine that marriage is easy and at times it can be extremely difficult. All relationships are difficult. I guess I'm posing this question, because lately, Joe and I have been surrounded by people whose marriages (married less than 10 yrs) are falling apart like dominoes. People are separating, looking at divorce and for those are still married, they are completely miserable and only stay together for their children.Last night, Joe and I were trying to come up with couples (among our closest friends and family) that we know who are still happily married. We could only come up with two (and of course we're not too sure about them). So that leaves me to wonder. How do you make your marriage last? When times are tough, how do you push past that threshold and perservere together?
My parents were married for 23 years and they were miserable. However, I always knew that they loved each other, and sometimes people are just broken and their marriage could not be repaired. But today, it seems like people don't try to save their marriages. It seems like times are really tough, people separate and divorce. They just leave.
The advice from conversations that I'm getting is, "don't mess up good thing by getting married" or "people change when they have that piece of paper" and "what difference will that paper make?" Oh and here's a good one that I was told last week by a divorce (and still single acquaintence), "Girl, today you got options...you don't have put with their s**t." Really? Is that how we view marriage today?
So lately, I have been trying to look at couples that I know who has been married for years (20+). I try to look at them as an example. My best friend's parents have been married forever (30+). They've been together since they were teenagers. And to this day, it's interesting to watch them lovingly interact with each other. Even when his wife can become erratic (oh the stories we could tell), he loves and respects her through all her imperfections. Or I look at my grandmother who was married to my grandfather for 51 yrs until he passed away. I know my grandfather was not an easy man, but they stayed married and my grandmother misses her best friend to this day.
However, for me and Joe, our friends are all miserable in their marriages and it leaves us to wonder if marriage is the right thing for us. I mean are those happily married couples just lucky? Is divorce just an option when we don't deal with somebody's s**t anymore? Am I just being naive because I haven't been married? Believe me, I don't think that when people divorce, that it's ever a decision that's made lightly. I can appreciate that it's an extremely difficult and painful process for most couples (I watched my parents go through it). I guess I'm just trying to make sense of this marriage thing. Because right now I'm extremely confused. I know that love is not like in the fairy tales and it's not always enough. But what makes love in a marriage work?
4 comments:
I know I'm not supposed to be answering this... (but I think that all your friends who have been married for 15+ yrs are way too busy being married.. lol!) But as I was reading this I got the idea that maybe what it takes to make marriage last is respect, trust, communication, patience, love and a willingness to grow and change with each other. If any of these are taken away then it seems that there would be very little to maintain the relationship.
Times are different and our culture is so technologically "me" oriented, that we do not value marriage the same way. A lot of people are staying single longer and older. So by the time they get married - who they are is already who they are... and being in a relationship necessitates that you make compromises... and lets face it...that's difficult for a lot of people to do.
Our parents and grandparents go married rather young, while it was a different world perhaps after all it wasn't a bad idea after all... maybe, just maybe the advantage to being married when your both young is the fact that your both young, inexperienced, and you face problems and challenges together. In turn you grow and learn together and you have more time to build that foundation together.
I know there are advantages and disadvantages to being married at a younger age, (because I know many that didn't work) but of those that I know who have been married of over 15 years, they did get started young and seem to have more patience with their spouse. The innocence of young love is something to take into consideration and may help us understand what it takes to make a marriage last...
Just a thought.
I am glad you are asking these questions. There are three things that can kill a marriage. There are others, these are the biggies. No communication, finacial problems and no respect for each other. I will talk about communication, from my experience. You must talk to and listen to each other. The minute a person shuts down your in trouble. You must talk about your likes, dislikes, what hurts your feelings, what you will and will not do,etc. You have to do this at the begining and throughout the relationship. I could go on and on. You must also love and respect each other. I hope this helps.
Sherita your love goes thru changes. When Bernie and I were married he was just 16 and I 18. He was the only man I had ever been with and of course I got pregnant. He was my friend that turned into a lover and then a husband. Sharon is right in the fact that we were young and grew together. But I believe that we lasted this long because each of us gave the other one our heart totally. We gave each other space to grow individually. We gave each other our trust. We never had any jealousy issues cause the trust was there.
You and Joe have (I think) an advantage. You both have already grown up. You have both done your running around and are ready to settle down.
Bernie and I both believe in marriage. His mother was living with a man and he told that man if you love my mother you would marry her. Right now you both live together and she is no more than a glorified whore. The man married her.
I think it is all in what you in your heart believe. I also think that it is to easy to get a divorce these days and that is why people do not try to work it out. We live in an instant gradification society now days. Everything is at your fingertips right now. I still believe that something worth having is worth working for.
I probably didn't help at all with your question. You have to decided if it is worth the long haul and actually belong to each other and willing to sign a peice of paper stating so, or if life just goes on the way you are. That paper also intitles each of you to benefits that others don't have. Insurance, social secruity, medical issues.
You both have strong back grounds for long marraiges so go for the gold(50 years of marriage).
Judy, you have some really good points, especally about obtaining instant gratification. I don't think that people are willing to work things out (especially their core issues) and we all want results instantly. I also agree that things are easily available right at our fingertips, like getting divorced and the ability to just leave a marriage.
I think that Joe and I do have the advantage that many couples do not. I think that we've worked out some of the kinks of our youth. I also know that we're definately ready to settle down. Plus, we've overcome a lot of obstacles that would've put a strain on many relationships. Judy, you helped tremendously. Thanks!
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