I love you...

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date; Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, And often is his gold complexion dimm'd; And every fair from fair sometime declines, By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd: But thy eternal summer shall not fade Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st; Nor shall Death brag thou wand'rest in his shade, When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st; So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So lives this, and this gives life to thee. ~W. Shakespeare

My belief about the marriage and the Bible

Since I've become engaged, I've been thinking a lot about marriage and my future role as a wife. Growing up in a Jehovah Witness household, I was taught that in a marriage, a woman was accountable to her husband and her husband was accountable to God.

What's so interesting about these thoughts, is that I thought they were antiquated and sexist. But is it really? I mean, are we suppose to play certain roles in our marriages and relationships in order for them to work? And when those ingredients are not in place, is it then that we allow "sin" into our marriages? And when those marriages fall apart (for whatever reasons), and we're back to being single, do we ever look back and think that those old sexist thoughts weren't so wrong after all?

With the extremely high number of divorces and malcontent in our relationships, maybe there's something to it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some religious conservative, but I do believe that the bible hold some truths that deserves a second look.

I ran across this article on FB, which talks about the Impact of Sin on marriage:

God intended marriage to be a place where two people were exposed before Him and each... other. Not just physically exposed, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, too. His plan was for marriage to be a place for complete sharing and intimacy.

But a lack of purity—sin—can prevent a marriage from being what God has planned for it. Sin is what caused Adam and Eve to become "unnaked" (to coin a word).

When the two of them ate the fruit, their relationship changed immediately. They lost their innocence. Their comfortable, total nakedness gave way to shame and fear. Their first step was to cover themselves with fig leaves
In the beginning, their most sensitive areas could be exposed without fear. (Genitals are the most sensitive area of the body.) But sin keeps us from exposing the sensitive, delicate areas of our lives.

It is clear that sin is the greatest obstacle to openness between a husband and wife. ~ Jimmy Evans

Most of my friends who were married, are now divorced or in the process of getting divorce. And what is interesting, is that most of them decided to let other influences destroy the intimacy of their marriages.

Now, I'm not judging my friends (considering that I've never been marriage), but the constant reasons that I get from my them are: lack of communication, infidelity, feelings of wanting to make oneself happy, infidelity, feeling stifled, infidelity, simple immaturity, oh and infidelity.

It's a pretty grim message that I'm getting from my friends. In fact, I had one friend (whose in the process of getting divorced) tell me, "to make sure that I'm marrying my best friend....because the night before she got married, she was sure she wasn't marrying her best friend." Wow! Really?

I didn't have a response to this simply because I have no doubt that Joe is my best friend. I also feel lucky because I believe that we are walking in the same direction. Now I'm not naive or just blindly in love, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you that our marriage is going to be a cake walk. We're going to have some very difficult obstacles to overcome.

I only pray that we will not allow "sin" to ruin the intimacy of our marriage and if it does (because we are human), then we find a way to save our marriage so that we can continue to walk in the same direction as husband and wife with God's blessing.

Forgiveness

I haven't blogged in a while because the last blog totally drained me. It was the first time that I expressed those kinds of feelings in years.

But now that I've put those feelings out in the universe, I cannot and will not take them back. But I do believe in Karma, which means that I have to reflect, meditate and deal with my feelings or I'm destined to ruminate on this subject without end. I need to work on learning how to forgive.

Here's a quote in Eastern philosophy that explains my ultimate goal in forgivness:

The forgiving acquire honours here, and a state of blessedness hereafter. Those men that ever conquer their wrath by forgiveness, obtain the higher regions. Therefore has it been said that forgiveness is the highest virtue. ~ The Mahbharata

Without forgiveness, I know that I will always hand over my power and my control to the one that has wronged me.
 
So I guess I'm on a deeply personal journey on learning to forgive. I could just try to forget about it, but I don't think that I would learn anything and I would only suppress it until it would stop my personal growth or make me physical ill.
 
I could pray about it and hand it over to God. I've done this with many difficult situations in my life and my personal faith has always provided me with a sense of comfort and success. However, this time, along with my faith, I think I'm going to look towards those who have sought and found forgiveness in their lives.
 
According to Robert Enright, author of the book Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope, "[t]here is a  basic model of forgiveness, [which] has four phases: first, uncovering your anger; second, deciding to forgive; third, working on forgiveness; and fourth, discovery and release from emotional prison."  Interesting.

 

Also, according to an essay The Gift of Fogiveness written by Ronda Bresnick Hauss, a licensed clinical social worker, she refers to Enright to demonstrate, "...that not forgiving, and holding on to bitterness, resentment and anger are the four walls of a prison cell. Forgiveness, he argues, is the key that opens the door of the cell."  Now that's food for thought!

 

Anger!!

I haven't blogged in a while because I didn't know what to say about some of my feelings. About a month ago, I experienced anger on a level that I haven't had in many years. It was upsetting to know that I haven't dealt with this situation, which caused this buried rage to bubble up and spew out in the universe.




It's so damn easy to let anger take control!!

 

Last month, Brendan got in touch with his father (who he hasn't seen in over a year). They decided to go camping. At first, I was very happy for Brendan. I mean, his life is really moving fast with school, sports, friends, etc... His father at least needed to see how well his son was doing.  But when it was time to drop off Brendan at our designated place, I became sick to the stomach and I didn't even want to see his face. I tried to hide my feelings from Brendan and we talked about other things while I was driving. As we pulled up, I just wanted to puke. "My God! I really hate this man!!" All I could do was tell Brendan have nice weekend and leave as quickly as I could. I couldn't get away fast enough.

Then over that weekend and immediately after Brendan came home, I kept having dreams where I'm screaming and yelling at him. I'm screaming at him for not paying child support and for not being a father to his son. It was like some deep seeded rage that was erupting in my dreams. I truly hated him and wanted nothing to do with him ever. How do you hide these kinds of feelings from your child, from yourself or from anyone?

But I realized that I was also angry with myself. I thought that I worked through these awful feelings. I thought that I had accepted that fact that this incredibly immature, alcoholic, emotionally and mentally ill man was incapable of being a father and that it was best that he was not an influence in Brendan's life. I thought I accepted that fact that he decided not to pay child support and that I would be responsible for Brendan's needs. But I was very wrong and the anger is immense and subconsciously all consuming. I spoke with Sharon and she said that I was being too hard on myself. She said that I have the right to be angry and that I was given the raw deal. But I told her that I walk around talking about forgiveness and compassion. I talk about not looking back in anger and moving forward in order to let go. Yet, here I am dealing with the white, hot rage!

However, Sharon is right. I am human and I'm being way too hard on myself. I have the right to be angry. I mean this man only sees his son once or twice a year. He misses out on Brendan's games, scouting achievements and school events and he misses out on the little things in Brendan's life. He tells everyone that I do not let him see Brendan, which is not true. I have never told him that he cannot see his child.  He does not pay child support (not one damn dime in all three years), which means that Joe and I have been solely paying for Brendan's needs. Finally, I have always been respectful and nice to him. We have never had an argument or fought. I have always tried to be the bigger person for the sake of our son. And how do I get treated? With total disrespect and immature hostility. So yeah, I'm angry!

I know that in a few years, Brendan will be 18 yrs old and this situation will have past. I will move on and it will be up to Brendan to deal with his old man. But for now, I will have to dig deep in order to learn to forgive him. I will have to dig real deep to look at this man with compassion instead of hate and loathing. I know for a fact, that my anger is not his problem and it's not Brendan's. It's my problem and my problem alone. In fact, unless Brendan reads this blog, he'll never know. But I do know that if I do not work on these feelings, it will stop me from moving forward and it will be energy wasted.

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”  -Sara Paddison

Walking among the clouds

When I was flying home, I was lucky enough to have the window seat. Usually I don't care whether or not I have the window seat. But this time, I was in a row all by myself and something told me to scoot over towards the window.

It was a lovely Sunday evening and I was flying from Charlotte to Cleveland and I was anxious to get home.Typically when I fly, I always send out a quick prayer for a safe flight and for God to look over my family. But this time, I think God granted me an impromptu blessing.

I was blessed with the opportunity of imagining myself walking among the clouds. As I looked out of the window, the sun was slowly setting and the clouds looked like huge white cotton balls rolling around in the air like tumbleweeds. Some were white and fluffy like cotton candy, while others were soft, feathery and stretch across the sky.

My God, I wish I could step out and feel the them. It was like I was being teased by their beauty, but only to remain untouched. It was awesome to watch these clouds float above the ground.

At times, I can see the ground below and I began to realize our small significance in this expansive universe. And then I began to imagine myself as a giant and walking on the ground with my large body and grand feet. 

As the evening sun was lingering in the sky, giving up its last chance of daylight, I was able to see the shadow of our plane moving among the clouds high above the ground. Finally towards the end of my flight, this time I found myself thanking God for this lovely view and the rare opportunity to fly among the clouds.

An ode to Savannah...

So I'm in beautiful Savannah, Ga...it's very hot and sultry in this small charming city. I don't know why I love Savannah. But it's beautiful and rustic....it's old and seductive. As my mom and I are walking along Bay Street,I was amazed by the charm and simple irony of the new and the old. There are modern day cars and trucks whizzing by old buildings and landscapes that have been around since beginning of our country. We were surrounded by wonderful Spanish Moss that were sprawled across the trees like century old lovers.

We walked into an antique shop on Bay St. and we were greeted with a sincere and inviting, "Hi y'all..." It was warm and thick with a southern brogue. As we walk around the antique store, I could smell the ocean air and I tried to imagine the ghosts of yesterday among the antiques and the stories behind the vintage treasures. As we are leaving the shop, we hear "Have a nice day, y'all!" Thanks to the southern sentimentality, you learn your manners quickly, "Thanks, you too." I said sincerely.

I love Savannah. I don't know why. But I do love this city. Perhaps it's the mixed of the old and new. Perhaps it's the charm of Bay and River Streets. Or perhaps, it's the endless historical squares and lush green parks like Forsythe Park that reminds me of a time long ago. In the end, there is one thing I do know...that one day, thanks to my love for Savannah, I hope that this will be the beautiful enchanting city where I will marry my best friend.

Girl Power!!

"...a little kindness can go a long way."~Caitlan Boyle, Operation Beautiful

I was getting dressed this morning and the Today Show was on TV. I usually just it have the Today Show for the background noise. But this time they had a story that actually caught my attention. There was this story about a young lady who wanted to put out a powerful message to all the young girls and women everywhere.

She believed that there were too many negative body images for girls. And because of these messages, a lot of girls and women were suffering from their own negative body images. So she decided to be proactive and put out positive messages in public areas for women and girls to read. For example, she'd write positive messages on sticky notes and places them on mirrors in public restrooms. The notes would say, "You are beautiful!"

How cool is that?

She also blogs about this important message and has a website called Operation Beautiful. And this random act of kindness has taken off and now others participate and leave inspirational messages all over the place for women and girls to read.

When she was asked by the reporter why did she create this website/blog. She responded, "Because a little kindness can go a long way." How simple and sweet and yet, her message is extremely powerful. Here's to girl power!
www.operationbeautiful.com

Not looking back with regret...

‎"Removing thoughts of shame from your mind involves a willingness to let go, to see your past behaviors as lessons you had to learn, and to reconnect to your Source through prayer and meditation."~Dr. Wayne Dyer

I really like this quote. Letting go is extremely difficult....but I found out that through prayer and meditation (when I used to meditate), it is possible to reconnect so that you can move on and move forward. 

We often punish ourselves severely for our past behaviors, but I've learned not to look back with regret. As I've gotten older, I began to understand there are always lessons to be learned, and with those lessons comes self awareness and perhaps that reconnection with God or our Source. Thanks Dr. Wayne Dyer!

THOR Movie New Trailer - Official 2011 - Main Character Selection Castin...

For those who don't me that well....here's a little (weird) secret about me...

I have a really weird taste in guys (sorry Joe)....I've always liked my blonds, especially those who are big, tall and a bit rough around the edges. I don't know why...but it's always been that way.

So Joe and I was watching something on TV about Comic-Con  2010, which is a basically a nerd convention for those into sci-fi and comic books. Anyway, they interviewed this Aussie hottie who is playing in the upcoming Thor movie. My God! What is in the water in Australia?! Needless to say my mouth was on the flippin floor. I was impressed by his looks and Joe couldn't believe the size of this arms. 

Then I decided to look up the trailer for the movie online and couldn't find it. Well, I didn't put too much effort into finding it. But what I did find was what the cast consideration for the movie. I was surprised to find out that their considerations were most of the guys that I really like! Although they chose this new hottie from Australia....I would not have mind looking at Triple H or Brad Pitt playing the Norse god!

Oh, and Joe has a reason to go see the movie with me...his girl Natalie Portman is in the movie too!

To aunt Cathy, I know you might shake your head at this blog! Hahaha!

I had to think about this one for a minute...

Just be ordinary and nothing special. Eat your food, move your bowels, pass water, and when you're tired, go and lie down. The ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand.

~Bruce Lee

I've always known that Bruce Lee was somewhat a philosopher. I watched a documentary about his life a long time ago. In this documentary, it was easy to appreciate that many of this philosophical beliefs and teachings were from years of Eastern study in both the physical and the spiritual. For me, it was obvious that he was seeking enlightenment during his short life. He may even obtained it. Unfortunately, we'll never know. 

For some reason, I really like this quote. I haven't quite figured it out yet. I have always believed that you shouldn't be ordinary...that you have to be different and stand out...However, this quote is definately food for thought!

Eastern philosophy....

I have always enjoyed learning about different points of views and exploring other perspectives, especially certain aspects of Eastern philosophies.


Today, I ran across this quote:

 

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."

~Buddha 

 

Ah...it's summertime and I'm in love....

I love a warm summer day,

the soft summer breeze and
the way the tall grass sways

I love the fluffy clouds and
hearing my kids having fun

I love the giggly nights

Oh, the summer feels so right!
I love the flowers that bloom and

Aidan pointing to the summer moon

I love the bright yellow sun

Who can say the summer isn't fun?

Ah...it's summer and I'm in love!!

A couple of weeks ago...

I saw someone's dream come true....its not everyday that you can witness someone's dream come true. But I'll never forget it. It was a lazy summer afternoon...Joe was on the phone with Aunt Claire and holding a peacefully sleeping Aidan. I just buzzing around the house in my PJs doing God knows what. But the sun was out and day was clear.


Suddendly, I just happened to look through our livingroom window and saw a dark car pull up in our driveway. Instantly, I knew that it was Joe's dad. I didn't recognize the car, but I knew it was him. I said to Joe, "I think your dad just bought something..."


We head outside and there was Joe's dad, standing beside this beautiful forest green Corvette. I couldn't tell if was Joe's dad or the car that was beaming. So after we all picked our mouths up off the ground, we just looked at this beautiful shiny car. I think we circled it a few times, peaked on the inside for quite a while and looked in awe at the pristine engine. Then Joe's dad said, "I've always wanted one of these..." How wonderful it is get something that you've worked hard for and have always wanted. We were very happy for him and he couldn't stop smiling....


It's not everyday that you see someone's dream come true. But no matter how big or small that dream is...it's truly awesome to witness random moments of happiness. Enjoy your beautiful Corvette Mr. Joe!!

Angel of Harlem

~You Go To My Head by Billie Holiday

I've always loved Billie Holiday....

Her voice was beautiful, it was precious...it was intoxicating

She sang each and every lyric as if she was truly feeling them from her soul.

Her song will never be forgotten....this "Angel of Harlem"

To my one and only love...

You fill my heart with such eager desire...
every kiss you give....sets my soul on fire...
I give myself in sweet surrender...
my one and only love...


~Sting

Chris Brown and the Man in the Mirror

I watching parts of the BET Awards and Chris Brown was singing Man in the Mirror as a tribute to Michael Jackson, and it was quite apparent that he couldn't sing the rest of the song. He was very emotional and starting crying on stage. It was quite obvious that the words touched him, despite the media scrutiny the next day, I know that you can't fake that kind of emotion and sincerity. It appears that the world and the music industry is ready to forgive Chris Brown for beating up Rhianna. And I agree, it's time to move on.

Of course, this opened up a conversation between Brendan and myself about Chris Brown's domestic violence sitatution. I was very frank with Brendan and explained that what Chris Brown was absolutely wrong and awful. Under no circumstances should a man ever put his hands on a woman. He deserved all the public scrutiny that came along with it. His career practically went down the toilet and his image was tarnished.

But then this led to teaching Brendan about remorse and forgiveness. We talked about making mistakes and even those of the worse kind But along with acknowledgment comes being compassionate remorseful. Now obviously, I don't know Chris Brown, I really don't listen to his music and really don't care about him personally. But I just think his situation should be a valuable lesson to all people, especially when it comes to bringing awareness about domestic violence.  Because I know first hand, what happens when domestic violence is not stopped. Hopefully, he got a good dose of humble pie! Check out the link below:

http://youtu.be/K2K3yV1nQcQ

Happy Father's Day Joe!!

I would like to tell the whole world what a wonderful father Joe is..

There's not enough words to express how much you are loved and cherished. You are a phenomenal father to Aidan and a great role model to Brendan.

You are a true an example of what a real father and a real man is...

Please know that everyday, I thank God for you...

I love and appreciate you for everything that you do and everything that you are...
Happy Father's Day Joe!!

Brendan's top 4 celebrity crush...

1. Selena Gomez

2. Jessica Alba

3. Kristin Stewart (twilight movies)

4. Kim Kardashian

5. Kirsten Dunst (when he was a little boy)

Who is your celebrity crush?

Joe's top 10 celebrity crushes...in no particular order

1. Selma Hayek

2. Nicole Scherzinger

3. Heidi Klum

4. Halle Berry

5. Kim Kardashian

6. Stacy Dash

7. Jennifer Love Hewitt

8. Lea Michele (Glee)

9. Jamie Lynn Sigler

10. Jessica Alba

Whose your top 10 celebrity crush?

My top 10 celebrity crush...

Here's my top 10 celebrity crushes:

1. David Beckham (this man does my heart good...that's why he's my #1)

2. Brad Pitt

3. Channing Tatum

4. Adam Rodriguez

5. Antonio Sabato Jr.
6. Morris Chestnut

7. Blair Underwood

8. Usher Raymond

9. Eric Bana (Troy & Hulk)

10. Gerad Butler

Channing Tatum (my new celebrity crush)

Adam Rodriquez (CSI: Miami)

Antonio Sabato Jr.

Who is your top 10 celebrity crush?